Boys and Girls

“Is it a boy or a girl?” is the second question expectant parents are asked, after the obligatory due date query.  You may be told that boys are easier, and girls are drama queens, or that girls are easier and boys are a mystery.  But everyone has an opinion about what to expect from each gender. 

If you have a girl, her clothes are pink with ruffles; and if you have a boy his clothes have a variety of forest animals appliquéd on the front.  And if you choose not to find out the gender of your child before birth, you are inevitably given yellow and green clothes decorated with an array of zoo animals.

Then the child grows up a bit, and the first system of classification they learn is gender, quickly followed by socially acceptable “girl” and “boy” preferences, from both peers and adults.  When shopping for a child’s present, we do not typically buy a girl a Transformer or a boy a Barbie.  Most girls will happily dress a Barbie in a variety of outfits while the boys stage an epic battle with their Transformers.  But not every child fits that paradigm, and many will even say so.

The majority of people have the same reaction when confronted with a child who doesn’t fit their preconceived blueprint.  It usually involves a double take, then the hopefully unvoiced “what’s wrong with you?” thought, followed by confusion on how to respond.  Children are more perceptive than we give them credit for, and usually know they didn’t say the right lines.  They may backpedal and say they really do like Barbie, or defiantly stick to their original statement that Barbie is dumb and dinosaurs are awesome.

Whatever the child’s response, they are left with two choices:  Act the accepted role, or endure the consequences of improvising.  Each path has its inherent difficulties.  The first may lead to superficial conformity and hollow camaraderie, but quickly becomes too laborious to sustain.  The second is certainly more challenging, perhaps even lonely at times, but the authentic nature of the role makes it far more rewarding.

So I never tell my daughters that they shouldn’t be interested in something because of their gender, and rarely tell them they can’t do something they dream of.

But there is one exception they learned the hard way:  

Only boys can go to the potty standing up.